Isn't it beautiful when we fall apart

On the long drive from Raegan's 1st day of school back to our home God spoke to me with this song: "We Fall Apart" The worlds on fire but we're all smiling Though it's all our fault But life is short so we resort to laughing through it all It's the battle within the good and the sin With both sides standing strong It's the permanent scars How broken we are It's the things that hurt us all But isn't it beautiful The way we fall apart It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts So unpredictable We're comfortably miserable We think we're invincible Completely unbreakable And maybe we are Isn't it beautiful The way we all fall apart You're a liar but I'm a coward so I can't throw a stone We're so imperfect but so worth it because we're not alone It's the wars that we wage, the lives that we take For better or for worse It's the lion we cage, the love and the rage That keeps us wanting more But isn't it beautiful The way we fall apart It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts So unpredictable We're comfortably miserable We think we're invincible Completely unbreakable And maybe we are But isn't it beautiful The way we all fall apart The world is dark but all it takes your love to spark To set my heart on fire once again But isn't it beautiful The way we fall apart Isn't it beautiful oh, isn't it wonderful The way we fall apart It's magical and tragic all the ways we break our hearts So unpredictable We're comfortably miserable We think we're invincible Completely unbreakable And maybe we are But isn't it beautiful The way we all fall apart Isn't it beautiful The way we fall apart And I just started to realize that we always try to "get all settled in" or "put everything in order." We think that we are capable and in control of piecing together our lives. We left our home state of Texas and ventured out on our own to Oklahoma soon after we got married. We lived in Moore for 5 years during this short time we began our careers, purchased our first home, joined a church & small group, brought a beautiful baby girl into this world (3-24-09), made new friends, served our community through volunteering, enjoyed festivals & all the benefits of living near a big city, and we brought a wonderful baby boy into this world (11-16-12). We were very busy, but also so very blessed. We had the BEST neighbors anyone could ever ask for. A wonderful church with great events and activities. Great workplaces with people we could trust and enjoyed working with. Life was grand! That was until May 20, 2013, a day I'll never ever forget and one that even nearly 100 days later still brings me to tears to think of. On that day our pretty little puzzle was torn to pieces. We were very fortunate not to lose any family or close friends or even significant possessions, but the emotional toll and fear it caused is still unexplainable. We had concerned loved ones, friends, church members, and coworkers reaching out to help us during that time. After staying the night with strangers the night of 5/20, we made it to our home the next morning to pack a few diapers and snacks and Philip dropped the kids and I off at our dear friends' home in Norman. They had a generator and that way we wouldn't have to spend the day alone in our hot home without power and so that Philip could take the only car we had at the time to work. Laura was so welcoming and kind to us. Her home got power just as we pulled in the driveway (isn't God awesome). She fed Raegan and I took a hot shower as I still had mud caked onto my legs from the day before. We sat snacking on dark chocolate for breakfast and nursing our baby boys while we watched Mickey Mouse and Bubble Guppies because the news was too terrifying for Raegan (4) and Mason(2)to see. While I was there Philip called to check on us and to tell me that we were moving to Texas. Philip had applied to become the Operator of the Chick-fil-A in Weatherford, TX on October 25, 2012 and we had been waiting to hear if he had been selected, but knew we might not know until July 1. However this wasn't the first thought that crossed my mind. I thought he didn't want to ever have to go through what we went through the day before and he had come up with some solution to just move to Texas. Then I think he said, yes Tony just called... I knew then it was for real and Philip had been selected as the Operator for the Chick-fil-A in Weatherford and we were going to move to Texas just like we had been praying for! Laura said congratulations and gave me a hug and I was happy for a breif moment. Then I looked around at how we were living out of a recyclable grocery bag with diapers, wipes, a change of clothes, rice cakes and a jar of peanut butter and thought how am I suppose to move right now. What about my pieces here, what about my friends, what about grief and mourning, how do I answer all of Raegan's questions, what about work, all these questions swirled around in my head and I was confused. Philip called back later that day to ask me about making a offer on a home in Weatherford and I told him I didn't know, whatever he wanted to do was fine. I look back and feel bad for placing so much responsibility on Philip's shoulders during that next month. I was too confused to make decisions, all I cared about was that my babies were with me and that we were safe. For the next two weeks I worked on cleaning our house and starting to pack during the day and then went to the Hilgenfeld's to sleep at night in their finished attic. I always kept a very close watch on the weather and weather forecasts. Mike and Susan have a large underground storm shelter and Susan was always so kind to warn me of any hint of severe weather and invite us over, I always accepted. So I turned to survival mode and making decisions for that day, one day at a time. Its all I could handle. People would ask me what are you going to do when you move to Weatherford? When are you going back to work? Are you going to send Raegan to a new daycare? Do you want to bring Raegan to work? Do you want to work in Fort Worth? What kind of carpet do you want to put in your home in Moore? What do you want to pack first? What roofer should we use? on and on so many decisions I didn't want to have to make and didn't, I let Philip make all the decisions and just told him I didn't know. He took care of everything, carpet installers, roofers, fence repair, making offers on new homes, bringing home meals, ordering a pod, scheduling a uhaul, finding a storage building, everything...all while still running a business in Norman and I just held my babies and tried not to cry too much, because then Raegan would ask why I was crying. Anyways, our sweet little puzzle had fallen apart and I couldn't put it back together. What I couldn't see yet was that on 5/21/13, the Lord reached down and said to us, here's a new puzzle, take my hand and I will help you put it together. Oh what mercy and grace He has given us! So today we are living in Weatherford, TX, perhaps the friendliest place on Earth, even if the city is "stuck back in time." Raegan started pre-K and we joined a church. I joined MOPS and have already met some new moms who happen to have recently moved from Oklahoma too! Philip brought a few employees with him from Norman, but the existing team here is terrific! Philip has new challenges at work and the resources he needs to solve them. I've been able to work from home part time and still enjoy spending time with the kids. We still keep in touch with our friends in Oklahoma and hope to go back and visit them soon. We try to get out and swim in the backyard every evening and get done just in time to watch the deer come out to graze in our front yard at sunset. We have a long list of home improvement projects and to-do lists, but are letting God help us put our lives back together instead of trying to do it all ourselves. I think this puzzle is going to turn out beautiful!

Raegan recently

Raegan always has to have her picture taken when I take Cameron's monthly pictures.  So above is where she jumped in the recliner after him and gave me a big smile.  Raegan is growing up so fast.  Everyday she amazes me with how much she knows and how much she can remember.  I honestly think she may have a photographic memory.  Raegan is enjoying our new home, but misses her old friends A LOT.  She talks about them often.  Yesterday we had the following conversation:
Raegan: Why did Trenton always kiss me at school?

Me: I dunno

Raegan: He's not suppose to do that!

Me: Nope

Raegan: Maybe its because he loves me too much!

Trenton was in Raegan's preschool class at All About Kids. She really misses her school friends.  But she will be starting a new school soon and making new friends.  It was difficult for us to find a PreK program that wasn't going to be a repeat of what Raegan already learned last year.  But we did find one and Raegan got accepted and is very excited to start soon!  I was able to order nearly all of her school supplies online.  We did end up going to try on uniforms though, which I'm glad we did because I was thinking of buying size 5 so that she wouldn't out grow them quickly, but at the store even a 4 fell right off of her.  So we bought size 3 and have plenty of room to grow. Miss Petite.

This summer Raegan has been a huge help playing with and watching her brother.  Anytime Cameron gets near something he shouldn't like a fan or cord, which seem to be the things he is most interested in, Raegan will yell "Mom Cameron's doing something he's not suppose to!"  She's good at sharing with him and loves to make him laugh.  She's a wonderful big sister.  One of my concerns about our new home was not having a gate around the pool.  That worry has been eased as Raegan impressed us all by already learning how to swim.  So my toddler (can I still call her that?) who cries when water gets in her eyes in the bathtub, can now swim underwater the entire width of the pool.  She'll even jump in and swim underwater to whoever is nearby.  She's working on her front and back flips underwater I tried to teach her.

While shes growing up, she still says things that remind me she's still my baby like:

"just one people" instead of just one person and "how much does it pay" instead of how much does it cost.  

Although its only August Raegan asked me yesterday if we could make a list to tell Santa she wanted Hello Kitty things from Target.  While we were at Target the other day she started to pray with her hands clasped in front of her to Santa.  We've been trying to explain that we don't pray to Santa, but that we could make him a list instead.  One day Raegan was upset that I set her breakfast down at the wrong spot at the table and she wanted me to move it, when I told her she could do it, she walked away.  I told her that if she needed to go pout she could go to the stairs (her timeout spot).  She said, "I'm going to pray to Jesus, because I love him more than you, I love him to the sun and back!"  

So thankful for this sweet, entertaining little princess!